After Bobby’s adventure with the South African Embassy here
in Côte d’Ivoire, we were
inspired to write this attempt at a humorous recounting of his visa saga.
Please know that we write this tongue-in-cheek, knowing that God had this under
control the whole time! So here it is…
47 Simple Steps on How to Get a visa for South Africa
When You Are an Indian Citizen with an American Permanent Resident Card Living
in Cote d’Ivoire
1.
Like anyone would, google the embassy website
and download the visa application.
2.
Become confused by the application’s directions
on the embassy website and attempt to locate the embassy the next time you are in
the big city (Abidjan).
[Next
time you are in the big city where the embassy is reportedly located…]
3.
Before going out, look up the street address of
the embassy listed on the website.
4.
Find that the street name on which the embassy
is located (according to the website), does not actually exist on any city maps.
5.
Call your Congolese friend who is a pastor and
lives in Abidjan to find out if he knows where the South African embassy is.
When he refers you to your Nigerian pastor friend, call him next to see if he
knows where it is.
6.
When your Nigerian pastor friend gives you
directions that the embassy is near the Ivorian president’s residence, drive
around the residence while trying to look out for the embassy, but trying not
to look suspicious to onlookers.
7.
When you can’t find the embassy near the
president’s residence, ask random people on the side of the road, using the
street name which you found on the embassy website but which you cannot find on
any maps.
8.
When no one in that area has heard of that
street, drive to the U.S. Embassy because embassies are sometimes in the same
area, right?
9.
Ask more random people on the side of the road
while trying not to look suspicious in front of the U.S. Embassy.
10. When
the random people from the side of the road give you directions to a completely
different part of the city, decide to take a break and attempt to look the
embassy phone number up on their website using your phone.
11. Call
both numbers listed on the South African Embassy website. Repeat. Wait patiently while no one
answers.
12. Drive
across town to do another errand while waiting for someone at the embassy to
pick up the phone. (Wait some more while no one picks up.)
13. While
your spouse is inside a place of business running the errand, use your phone to
google the embassy website again. Use your sleuthing skills to realize that the
street name on the embassy website is missing one letter and that is why you
cannot find it on any maps and why none of the random people on the street had
any idea what street you were asking for.
14. Laugh
in a half-mentally-unstable-half-this-is-ridiculous manner in order to maintain
the sanity you have remaining and to avoid yelling and being a bad example to
your three-year-old kid in the back seat.
15. Take
a brief moment to relish in the fact that it was because of the typo on the
website, and not your poor French pronunciation, that caused people on the
street to look at you as if you were a few crayons short of a full box.
16. When
finishing the errand, realize that the consular’s office of the embassy where
you can inquire and drop off applications will close in 15 minutes and even if
you knew where it was located, you wouldn’t get there in time.
17. Try
not to lose your religion.
18. Give
up for the day and decide to do it the next time you are in the big city.
[A few
days later…]
19. When
your Nigerian pastor friend asks if you found the embassy, say no and have him
realize that where you went was the president’s offices and not the president’s
home residence.
20. Say
“yes, please” when your Nigerian pastor friend offers to go with you to search
for the embassy on your next trip to the big city.
[On
next trip to big city…]
21. Make
arrangements to meet your Nigerian pastor friend.
22. Get
stuck in traffic and be 45 minutes late to pick up your Nigerian pastor friend.
23. Pick
him up and get stuck in more traffic.
24. Arrive
at the South African Embassy (YES…FOUND IT!) four minutes after the consular
office closes and try to be patient while the front desk worker tells you the
office closed four minutes ago while simultaneously chasing your 3-year-old who
is running and screaming on the lawn of the embassy because he is so glad to be
out of the car he just sat in for 3+ hours.
25. Ask
the front office worker if you at least have the correct application.
26. Find
out that the visa application you downloaded from the South African Embassy
website is not the application the South African Embassy requests for visas.
27. Get
the correct application from the front office worker.
28. Decide
to complete the application on your next visit to the big city.
[On
your next (now third) trip to the big city…]
29. Collect
what you believe is all the paperwork you need according the list given to you
by the front office worker at the embassy.
30. Arrive
at the embassy and find out they will not accept your application because you
have the wrong size of passport photos, your Ivorian residence card (which you
have translated into English yourself even though everyone working at the South
African Embassy speaks both French and English) has to be translated by a certified
translator from the list provided by the embassy (although the embassy never
provided said list prior to this visit and your card has approximately 3 words
on it: Bobby, male, and Indian), you don’t have a letter from your employer
saying you are allowed to leave the country (uh, why would you need this?) and
you don’t have an invitation letter from a resident of South Africa inviting
you to come visit.
31. Ask
the woman at the embassy how you can get an invitation letter from a resident
of South Africa when you do not actually know any South African residents.
32. Try
to remain calm when the woman at the embassy tells you to get an invitation
letter from the owner of the retreat center where you will be staying in South
Africa although the owner does not know you from Adam.
33. Leave
the embassy and track down a certified translator to translate your Ivorian
residence card.
34. Find
the translator and have her translate that “genre”=”gender” and “Indien”=”Idian”
on your residence card.
35. Correct
said translator by telling her she left the “n” out of “Indian” when she
translated it.
36. Receive
blank stare from translator because she writes in English but does not
understand much spoken English.
37. Listen
to sigh of relief from translator when you explain her misspelling in French
because she finds you speak French. Continue the conversation in French at her
request.
38. Pay
15.000 francs ($30 U.S.) for “certified” translation by the non-English-speaking
English translator.
39. Go home to collect other three items you
need before another attempt to submit your application.
[At
Home…]
40. Request
and receive needed invitation letter (profusely thanking the South African resident
who wrote it who has never met you) and letter from employer. Take a passport
photo of the correct size.
[On
your next (fourth) trip to the big city…]
41. Go
to the embassy and have this conversation with the embassy worker:
Embassy Worker: “How did you get this
letter from your employer?”
Bobby: “They sent it from the
U.S. Our colleagues brought it with them
when they came from the U.S.”
Embassy worker: “How come your
employer did not specify in the
letter that you are a missionary living in Yamoussoukro?”
Bobby: “I was told I needed permission to leave the country but not
that specific
information.”
Embassy Worker: “Hmmm…Okay. Come next
Tuesday.”
42. SUBMIT APPLICATION AT LAST! Do happy
dance.
43. Pray
for the visa to be granted.
[On
your fifth trip to embassy…]
44. Return
to embassy three days before your scheduled departure to South Africa and find
that you HAVE BEEN GRANTED THE VISA!
45. Praise
God.
46. Call
your wife to tell her the good news.
47. Start
packing!
